In order of preference:
-mustard
-BBQ sauce
-ketchup
-Miracle Whip
- acceptable, as long its not the nuclear waste yellow stuff
- hesitantly accept, but there's f'ing ketchup in most of it
- just NO
- don't even get me started
PM me your email and I will arrange for a proper condiment for a Christmas gift. You just have to promise to mix it with some proper mayonnaise. Half of each and it goes on anything. I WANT TO HELP YOU!!!
EDIT: And no, it's not my manhood before you even go there.